I have been thinking about intuition and trust here lately and I want to share a story with you.
One of the most powerful and transformative moments of my life came after living in darkness for 7 years. 10 years ago, my brother took his own life and I completely lost my faith in God and humanity. I can remember the shame and uncertainty I felt the moment I believed the thought: “God has abandoned me.” I suffered with debilitating anxiety, I felt very sad, angry, lost, and I literally gained 100 lbs. The world actually reflected my inner landscape back to me – I found it to be cold, sad, distant, and empty…just like me. Anxiety, depression, and addiction ran in my family, so that was a reasonable explanation, right? But something kept rumbling underneath the surface. How did I get to this place?
About 4 years ago, my ego was finally broken enough to shatter the false sense of reality that I was living…and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was left to question who I was, what I stood for, and I knew that I could finally make things different. For the first time in my life, I became very curious about my own beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and I began to question everything about who I thought I was. As I began to remove the veils of my childhood conditioning, I felt more and more vulnerable, but I also intuitively began to understand that this was a process that I could trust, and the deeper I went, the more authentic and free I felt. When I got to my core, my reality ruptured and I had a spiritual awakening – I became my 5-year-old self again, and this was at my core – a scared, abandoned, helpless child. I wanted to run away and un-see what was the truth. As my awareness grew, so did my understanding and acceptance of my “inner-child.” I visualized picking her up and hugging her so tightly. It was in that moment that I truly surrendered to my pain and I knew that I had to make a serious choice:
– to grow or to die.
I remember consciously choosing to grow and suddenly, I felt my pain being lanced and drained like a throbbing abscess. I felt an overwhelming presence within me and all around me. I realized right then that it was me who had abandoned myself all those years ago, and in doing so, I had also abandoned God. For the first time in 7 years, I actually got on my knees to pray. I was so thankful to be able to release my pain so that I could receive and embrace God’s spirit inside of me again. When I got up, I was exhausted. I cleaned up my face and I put a big pink paper flower in my hair. I walked over to my bookshelf and I grabbed a book that I had intended to read that day. It was Elizabeth Lesser’s book, “Broken Open” and the first thing I read after being born again was this quote on the first page:
“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Nin
I will never forget that. That was God’s message to me and it was all the validation that I needed –
What I have ultimately come to realize, is that we all have a God-sized hole inside of us that we are constantly trying to fill – people will try to fill it with food, money, alcohol, over-achieving, gambling, drugs, sex, work, the list goes on…and now, I totally understand why.
Throughout that process of naming and claiming my own pain, I realized that I must also hold this space for others – without judgement. Not only do I now understand who I am and embrace the depths of myself, but I am also fiercely understanding, loving and accepting of others – especially to those who need it the most.
I am happily able to claim today that I am perfectly imperfect. I believe that there is no such thing as a mistake, only lessons learned. And I am so thankful to be able to fulfill my purpose as a life coach by helping others with their soul work.
Trauma, pain and fear have ultimately served as the catalyst for my awakened spirit, renewed sense of awareness and self-love, but most importantly, it has rekindled my 7 year lost relationship with God – and since then, I have never felt so aligned with life, love, and my Truth!